Stupidly disappointed

First of all, yes, I'm happy with the American Idol results!!! I'm not so happy to hear that Mandisa respects a very homophobic writer. It seems to be that kind of week, though. Good Gaia, is this going to be a maudlin post.

I have temporarily taken down my "temporary" logo (that has stayed up for nearly a year!) I'm a touch ticked off at Sinead O'Connor right now. Actually, I'm angry, because of this much less pretty picture taken of her in New York (I know, I could have met her!) this week. Take a look, note the belly and the white thing in her hand. Yep, a cigarette. I'm just hoping to all the Gods that it's a food baby or something, but I seriously doubt it. I know I looked pregnant when I had fibroids really bad a couple years back, but I wouldn't wish those on Sinead or any other woman, not even my worst enemy.

I get very upset when women smoke or drink or take in worse substances while pregnant. L'Ailee has to hold me back when I see a visibly pregnant woman smoking or drinking. Part of it is that I have seen what it did to an adopted cousin of mine. He's 15 now, old enough to tell or not tell his own story and to get embarrassed about it, so I won't say too much. I will say that he has only recently entered the "normal" range of height/weight for his age group--just squeaked into it--and that it's a damn miracle that he lived to 15 at all.

The other part is that, as many of you know, I have fertility issues. The abovementioned fibroids, plus endometriosis. I tried to do and not do all the right things; it wouldn't have mattered. Now, I don't want to hurt anybody; I'm only talking about myself. The fact that I couldn't keep a pregnancy has made me feel like I flunked a key portion of the Full Grown Woman Test. I know that's stupid, okay? I know it wasn't my fault, I know there was no fault, I know other women are happy without kids, I know some unfortunate women are mothers and didn't want to be, I know I've done well in other portions that other women may not have, I know there isn't really any "test" at all! I've gone over this again and again with other women, including L'Ailee and my therapist. But there it is. I'm "childfree" because "childless" is just too goddamned hurtful and depressing for me to say out in public where people can see me come perilously close to crying. I'm sitting here wondering if I should get my hysterectomy now because all my uterus does is hurt me wicked bad and make Aunt Flo come visit (like, um, this week), and there are women who treat something that many women have desperately wanted to have and couldn't so casually, like blowing their noses on a thousand-dollar bill.

And now I see that someone who has been an inspiration to me, not just a crush, for many years, is one of those women. It's not a good feeling. A friend of mine tells me to eat the fish and spit out the bones, with causes and groups and individuals. I could do this with my racist paternal grandfather and my alcoholic maternal grandfather and my homophobic aunts and uncles. So I will with Sinead, who, after all, I don't know. But this is a particularly big and painful bone for me.

And then there is the fact that L'Ailee and I don't know if we are still to be considered legally married in NYC or not! We're proceeding as if we are. I'll post more about it when people know more about it; the lawyers we asked can't give us a straight answer, pardon the pun. I'm so sick of this! The bigots aren't making us want to pretend it's 1955 and we don't love each other, they're not making us sorry for the inconvenience, they're making us MAD!!!

If it weren't for L'Ailee (however I'm related to her; I feel married, at least) and funny cats and cute baby pandas with marshmallow butts, I would be very depressed right now.