Thursday, May 18, 2006

Certainly uncertain, decidedly undecided

First off, American Idol. I so wish Elliott could've been one of the final two. He's grown on me. I love his voice; I thought he knocked all three of his songs out of the box! But with that so-close vote, there's nothing for him to be ashamed of. Wow, what a squeaker! I hope to hear his CD; I'll buy it. He might benefit from taking some time to get orthodontia and his ears pinned back to stop some of the jokes, but you know what? He's no worse-looking than Steven Tyler or Mick Jagger or a whole lot of other singers. I'm glad he made it this far.

I moaned, "Why did Katharine have to become a human being right *now*? I've had so much fun despising her all season!" L'Ailee was home; she laughed at me. I still don't like her dad, though. And I sincerely think she's just a knockoff of a whole lot of other, better singers. So, cutie-pie Taylor's gotta be it!!! Toes crossed so I can type!!!

You can scroll right down to the links now, or slog through several paragraphs of relationshit.

Things were deeper between me and L'Ailee earlier that evening. She reads my blog. (Hi, darling! And she wanted to say something. Russian isn't her native language, really--body language is. Being in a long-distance relationship for over a decade forced her to get better with words, both written and spoken. In the almost two years I've lived with her, I've seen that I missed a lot by not being able to *see* her. Her feelings are so very evident from her serious little face and her big bright eyes and her fidgety sinewy body! But there's only so much she can communicate that way, especially to a hard-core word person like me. Last night, I watched her tap her temples, press her lips, rotate her hand so it looked like a hummingbird in really looked like she was trying to find the switch that would make the words come out. It was almost painful to watch, but I've had to learn that I can't "help" and I can't fill in the silences and I can't guess, because that only provides temporary relief for her and leaves important things unsaid. I have to give her time and space to think--encouraging smiles and nods, looking away, that kind of thing. It's difficult.

Eventually, she said this: "The thing is, there are so many people who are so very proud that they don't drink this, eat this, watch that, read that. So many people who are so *certain*, all the *time*! They think they are better than anyone else. That is the only pleasure they let themselves have, really, is to think that they are better than everyone else. And it's not because they do so many good things, but because they don't do so many 'bad' things." (She made the quote marks with her fingers.) "Usually the bad things are really just fun or normal if you don't do too much of them. Or they are interesting. And there are a lot of very annoying people like that, different on the surface, but inside, the very same thing."

I couldn't help interjecting at this point. "Even if they think they're enemies, or they don't agree with each other!"
"Exactly, exactly. I think that any group has people like that. see it, too. You like to be uncertain sometimes, too. At least you can admit that other ways to think exist."
"You just talked about not liking another way to think."
She sighed. "I don't have to be *consistent*. I don't always want to be consistent. But you, you think, so much and so hard! I love it, but sometimes there is, you know, too much of a good thing."
"Oh, please don't tell me I think too much!" My mom and grandmother did that a lot when I was a kid.
"Okay. But those people who are so certain? You laugh at them with me. I like that, a lot. You try to be good instead of just not-bad. I love that. I don't want to live in a hippie commune, Jaya, where everything has to be correct all the time. I don't want to live like we're at that women's music festival in Michigan. I don't want to worry that I have bought the wrong brand of toothpaste. I like to be just myself, and I like that you do, too." She sighed deeply. "I don't want to be one of those people who can only say 'no, no, no' and be shocked that other people make different choices all the time. And....I don't want to be married to one of those people."

At this point, my jaw dropped. "Do you seriously think I'm becoming one of those people?!"
She pondered. "Not really. I think in that store, I overreacted. I just want to tell you how I feel, and what led to that fight."
"I want to be able to be proud of myself," I told her. "If you know something, it makes you responsible, sort of. I kinda understand now why people say ignorance is bliss. You don't have to take responsibility for your actions if you don't know, like a kid. But I'm not a kid, and I do know things. And if I can actually do something about those things, why on Earth not? I mean, I can't do everything, I can't help everything. But maybe I can use my money, when I have two alternatives, to buy the one that causes less hurt and was made a slightly kinder way. I want the rest of the world to be a nicer place, and how can I ask that for the rest of the world if I can't be nicer my own self?"
She looked abashed. "Sometimes I say 'Don't tell me.' Maybe I don't want to be responsible."
"I don't always want to be responsible, either!"
"But it's such a part of you."
"Takes one to know one," I replied.
She smiled, and that's when the air finally, totally, cleared between us, for real this time. We traded the "I love yous" and fed each other vegetarian sushi while laying down. We are, in short, very much made up, and I am *so* glad.

Link time!

Senators Feingold and Specter had a tool-measuring contest today. It would be very entertaining, if it wasn't my life and love and the lives and loves of many other Americans that were at issue.

Pink is very cool. I love the message of the song!

The "Maiden, Mother, Crone" archetype can be very problematic to Pagan women like me who can't or won't have children. Here's a way around it.

George Will wrote a wonderful column, and I hardly ever say *that*, about how *all* voters are "values voters"!

We just might be getting the cervical cancer vaccine!!!

And finally....because I just have to...Did chimps and humans once interbreed?


LeLo in NoPo said...

Out of all of the wonderful things you posted about, I'm responding to the American Idol part. Call me shallow.

I cried for Eliot. I didn't get him all season, and then the whole going home, and his mom, and he cried, and his mom cried, and .... he's awesome. I've loved Taylor all season long, but last night (heart thump peace out) goes to Eliot.

I've delurked.

Clandestine said...

i am such a fan of you.

you know how sometimes you feel like you're the only person who feels a particular way on the whole planet, and then you read something someone says and realize that you're not, and can breathe a sigh of relief?

that's often how i feel when i read your words.


nonsequitur said...

Re: Did humans and chimps interbreed?

MOST DEFINITELY!!! You should meet some of the people who live in my town and you'd have no doubts in your mind either!

(Oooh, sorry, that was evil >:)