Monday, July 31, 2006

Full disclosure

It's not always happily ever after here.

Sometimes we both get to feeling mean and nasty all day, and it is Hell Week, and the both of us start in on each other right away as soon as I get home. I can't even tell you what it all *was*; we just started taking little shots continuously from the git-go, so many we couldn't keep track.

Sometimes the only way we'll both survive the night is if we each get half a package of mint chocolate Tofutti bars ("Why are there only stupid hippie snacks in this house?" "Because *some* of us have to worry about our weight!") and she goes upstairs to her attic-turned-sewing-room and I stay right downstairs and bitch on the computer. Even the cats are avoiding our company!

Tomorrow neither of us will remember a thing, probably. But I still don't want to look at her or hear her for the moment. If the people at Exodus and those other ex-gay ministries had half a clue, they'd use shared menstrual cycles as a recruiting tool for lesbian and bi women. "Be the only bitch in the house! Keep all the chocolate to yourself! Stop sharing your pads! Make some lucky straight guy suffer! Get him groveling! Send him out for tampons!" I bet they'd recruit a woman or two by trying that. Which means it's probably just as well that they don't have a clue.

Other things to think about:

Whose permission do you need to marry? Wonderful pro-SSM ad. Yes, I'm still for it.

Chocolate can fix lots of things. It just might even be a motor fuel!

Wanna get out of jury duty? Be a Goth! Or go to RenFaires!

Neem tree oil keeps skeeters away!

An American writer in Britain caused a firestorm of controversy by announcing, Sorry, But My Children Bore Me to Death!

Finally, someone somewhere has decided to act against a hotbed of sin that directly contradicts God's word in Leviticus--seafood restaurants! That's right, God Hates Shrimp!

8 comments:

The Fat Lady Sings said...

NEEM is a godsend! We use NEEM oil as an organic bug control - and boy does it work! It also serves as a great fertilizer – and is OK to use around kids and pets. Problem is the smell. I'm one of those people that just can't stand it. Doesn't bother my husband one little bit – but me? I get nauseous. But it works. Keeps those ravening Japanese beetles at bay. Personally - I think they catch a whiff and run for the hills!

alan said...

I swear if I were to win the Powerball I would pay to run that commercial nationally!

Of course, my wife would probably leave and take what was left of the winnings...

but it would be worth it to see it run in prime time!

alan

SassyFemme said...

Hope your happily ever after is back today.

Zanne said...

ROFLMAO on the God Hates Shrimp link! Thanks for the laugh!

BostonPobble said...

You mean the two of you are actually a real, normal, ordinary couple and not characters out of a fairy tale? The nerve, truly. Having just been through a similar week from hell, you have my sympathies.

Meanwhile ~ chocolates, goth, Wicca *and* bored mothers? You wrote this post just for me, didn't you? Thanks!

EL said...

Don't you know that queer couples are supposed to be in PERFECT HARMONY or else the Role Model Police will whip out the handcuffs (and if that kinda sounds fun to you, expect an even harsher sentence)!

Kelley Bell said...

It always cracks me up when I play sports on a team. Within three months, the entire team will be on the same menstral cycle. (Usually mine.)

HA!

ALPHABitch: The new cereal from Kelley Bell

jesus.survival@yahoo.com said...

yes that neem oil is good but smelly, you can make your own spray by blending 2 habernaro peppers in 1 litre of water then diluting by 2 litres. here is end of time prophecy too
http://jesus-survival.com/son-of-perdition-revealed.htm