Monday, October 30, 2006

Boys are weird.

No offense to any of you gentlemen reading this, but boys are weird, and that's all there is to it. Just before I had to go get my plane to Orlando (typing from the hotel's "business center" right now), I watched the episode of the Simpsons where Springfield Elementary is split into girls' only and boys' only sections, and Lisa became an undercover boy so she could learn some real math. The end part was the best part. Lisa announced to the school assembly, "I learned that the world of boys is more cruel and sadistic than I ever imagined," and the boys all hooted and cheered.

But I didn't need that to tell me boys are weird. I got plenty confirmation of that by watching the race. Kasey Kahne easily scored the quote of the week while describing a confrontation with rookie David Stremme, who put him into the wall: "I said, 'I just told you, I ran you over. Now get out of here.'" None of us could resist laughing at that. Robbie Gordon tried convincing another reporter that he didn't throw something out the window, even after clear video evidence. And then there is my boy Tony Stewart, who was so happy about winning that he climbed a fence and almost fell off. He revealed a few things about himself in Victory Lane, too:

1. He is not gay, or if he is, his boyfriend's very butch.
2. He does not live with a woman, nor do any visit regularly enough to have left tampons and a toothbrush in his bathroom.
3. He does not live with his mom.
4. He wouldn't (and couldn't) object to panda and polar bear screensavers and wallpapers on the shared computer, unlike certain skinny bald Russian girls of my acquaintance.

He didn't state those exact things in those exact words, but a keen observer would recognize these truths. Bass Pro Shops, which sponsored the race, had a "trophy" that consisted of a huge, semi-menacing, realistic statue of a brown bear. Smoke went on about how "unique" and "cool" that bear trophy was, and how badly he wanted it for his house. Now, no woman, not even the most tolerant one, would admit this thing in her living room, not even in a vacation cabin. No, the tolerant ones would strongly suggest that Mr. Bear go live in his workshop or home office, where they wouldn't have to see him every day. Most gay men of my acquaintance wouldn't like Mr. Bear, either, although a few do express their butchness through taxidermy.

I didn't have enough time to celebrate the victory, but at least it was a nice note to leave NYC on. I didn't realize how badly I would miss the halcyon days of last June, when I was able to use a dolly to transport bottles of wine and olive oil from France. Wow, was it hard to get on the plane. I'm sure Osama's in his damn cave laughing his ass off at us Americans. Yeah, they attack us because they hate our freedoms, so we're just going to strip away every last one, slowly but surely, and then we'll all be okay...*spit*

I just dare some cabdriver to pull the number some Muslim ones are in Minnesota. Now, you know that some of the people who are outraged by their selective disposition of their duties think the conservative Christian pharmacists and doctors whose "consciences" make them all picky-choosy about which parts of their jobs they'll perform for who have a point. Totally pisses me off. All I know is if this crap's allowed to keep going, it'll invade NYC eventually. "That's why you should always choose Russian cabdrivers," L'Ailee's best friend, who is both a Russian and a cabdriver, said.
L'Ailee nodded. "That's true. Not only will he let you take alcohol, he might even let you pay him in alcohol."
The cabbie laughed. "He might even drink some while he takes you home!"

This is the same friend of hers who insists that L'Ailee will be lost without me for two days. He loves her as much as I do; I'm sure he knows what he's talking about. But L'Ailee swears she'll be fine, and in any case, I *will* be back Wednesday morning. She had a bit of a mood lift right before I left anyway. L'Ailee was wanting a snack and going for something gooey and sweet at the airport; a woman told her to "enjoy that metabolism now, 'cause it'll go away when you turn 30." She's 31. I, meanwhile, have adopted my mother's rallying cry: "A little extra fat is better than Botox!"

Oh, and Yahoo! Answers has decided that racism towards Muslims and hateful generalizations of Witches and atheists are no problem, but this question I asked is:

When did "Merry Christmas" become equivalent to "Screw you, non-Christians"?
Question Details:
I'm really beginning to wonder. Once again, conservative Christians are gunning against "Happy Holidays" being used in stores. After all, the merchandise is already coming out. And isn't it just dreadful to call them holiday lights? See what I mean here:
I'm asking everyone--seriously--how is getting upset over an acknowledgement that other people have other holidays at all Christ-like or Christmas-like?


Well, if I haven't completely alienated you with my politically incorrect talk, I've got some links for you.

Wayne Besen on conscience clauses. Yes, I agree with him sometimes.

Good recipe for vegan pumpkin scones.

Finally, Austin at had some fun with the "War on Christmas" idea, and has shared these satiric "propaganda posters".


Peterson Toscano said...

I MUST try those vegan pumpkin scones!

(Hey e-mail me if you get a chance. Christine is in town and she would LOVE to meet up with you!)

puhpaul said...

Hey, Tony can be gay if he wants (or perhaps it's wishful thinking on my part.) I'm gay and I would love to have that big bear trophy. My house is way too small for it, but if Tony asks, I would be happy to go live at his house.