Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Of worry, panda cubs, and bisexual monogamy

Did GWB actually enter office with a desire to start World War Three?!?! Not even his daddy managed to do that. So now Turkey's decided to act against the Kurds. I actually think Kurdistan needs to become its own country, but of course that means taking land (and the oil fields of Kirkuk, which is officially Iraqi) away from other countries. It really concerns me. It also concerns me that the presidents of Iran and Russia are working together. The hell of it is, I can't do a damn thing about any of it, just sit and watch helplessly. So it goes.

Pandas help. Right now the real news is in San Diego. Their four-year-old boy, Mei Sheng, is going to China for breeding on October 30th. He's a sweet and goofy love of a bear, and I'm sure he'll be a very eligible panda bachelor. As any European-tradition Pagan knows, the week of Samhain is a good one for changing phases in life, ending the old and starting the new. Take a look at him kissing his two-year-old sister Su Lin on the cheek--so sweet! I hope she doesn't miss him too badly, especially since there's so much focus on their darling new baby sister. She gets her name soon. Traditionally, the Chinese don't name babies, human or panda, until they're 100 days old, in recognition that it sometimes doesn't pay to get too attached too early.

Life is sad and life is beautiful. So it goes. Okay, I'm going to stop channeling Kurt Vonnegut now.

I've been seeing a lot lately about how it's hard to be a bisexual in a monogamous relationship, and how it might lead to cheating. Well, it's a stereotype we all live with. I guess one reason I don't get it is because gender isn't so much more significant to me than, say, accent or eye color or height. Another stereotype is that we're all 50/50 in terms of attractions. I am, but that's rare among bisexuals, even. It's usually more like 60/40 or 75/25, you know?

Anyway, Cary Tennis recently answered a question from a hetero-married bisexual mom who worried that her only choices were to agonize about what she could never have or cheat. Jaded said she had heard a lot about bisexuals in mixed-gender marriages who felt that it wasn't cheating to have a same-sex partner on the side. Also, L'Ailee, who is all the way gay, has gotten a bit more shit than usual lately about being with "some bisexual who's just gonna leave you for a man."

L'Ailee knows better than that, and she tells her interlocutors that, too. I've had opportunities with men. When I was still in Florida, we had an open relationship for a while there. She had flings with other women (and oh, did I get insecure about one in particular--the Russian-speaking plus-size model!!!!), and I had what was going to be a fling and ended up becoming a second relationship with a man. It wasn't so much because I am bisexual as it was because we were only able to see each other every couple of months, although we both thought it was odd that she had more experience with men than I did. (She was trying a homegrown version of ex-gay therapy as a teen, basically, as too many kids still do.) As I've said before, I'd never had intercourse before Ex-Boy, so I'm glad to have gotten that question answered before I married L'Ailee. It would probably have haunted me otherwise. Maybe other bisexual people, like the one who wrote in to Cary Tennis, also feel that they need to have a certain "question" answered if they're going to stay with a mate for life.

However, as I told Jaded, L'Ailee and I are married now. We promised to give everything to each other before our friends and relatives on New Year's Eve 2004/2005. We meant it. If we didn't, we wouldn't have married. I know that open marriages happen, and I don't feel like I have much of a right to say whether they should or shouldn't--it depends on everyone involved. I will say that if one partner thinks the marriage or relationship is monogamous and the other partner is secretly seeing someone else on the side, I call it cheating, and I don't care how they justify it or what the gender combinations are. It *will* come out, whether through a doctor's diagnosis or the smell of perfume on an article of clothing, and it will end badly, BFL.

I wouldn't open up this relationship again. Like Jeff Foxworthy put it, we know the combinations to each other's locks. I think sex has actually gotten better between me and L'Ailee since we married. It's as if she gets more turned on as she feels safer. We feel like we are for each other, and we have gotten more generous with each other. We know each other better out of bed, too. We *thought* we really knew each other after 12 years in an LDR, but it was as if we were always on those first few dates when we got together. We learned a lot by living together.

L'Ailee took turning 30 really badly a couple years ago. She'd been told for years that once she turns 30, her metabolism and coordination are going to go all to hell. Well, she's 32 now, and it hasn't happened yet. That's because she took good care of herself. So it is for our sex life. People are surprised that we still enjoy sex with each other, and a couple gay friends of ours have cynically noted that anyone who's against gay sex should be all for gay marriage, since marriage kills sex. We were both afraid that would come to pass, too, and again, it hasn't. I think our sex life is still healthy for the same reason that L'Ailee's body still does amazing gymnastic tricks--we took good care of it. Even if Tony Stewart himself gave me the key to his hotel room, I wouldn't take him up on it. I cherish what we've learned in 15 years, even the more painful lessons. I can't see giving up so much--our past, our future, and L'Ailee herself--for one night with anyone else.

Oh, and there's nothing about the race this week, but there's a reason for that. :-P

Link time:

Drew Carey's doing more than hosting the Price is Right. He's part of the project, hosting and bankrolling interesting libertarian journalistic videos. His first one, on traffic congestion, recalls Michael Moore at his best, though of course from a rather different perspective. Come on down!

Another severely disabled girl is getting the "Ashley treatment.". Words can't describe how horrifying I find this. By the way, did you know that one of Ashley X's doctors committed suicide recently?

People ferment the darnedest things! Alcohol that goes way past grapes and grains.

Shouldn't local farmers be able to help feed vegetables to local schoolkids? Not that easy, unfortunately.

The making of the Muslim left

Bullshit Is Most Important Issue to 2008 Voters. The Onion's funny because it tells the truth!

Oh, and country fans, make sure your bass speakers are working, because both Trace Adkins and Josh Turner have new CDs coming out soon! If you like guys that way and don't think you like country, go to these guys' MySpaces and give their new singles a listen anyway. Their voices are simply en fuego hot, and you would not believe that Josh Turner's voice in particular comes out of that too-pretty face. Incidentally, why are so many otherwise hot guys really conservative? I guess that's what I get for liking guys who are a lot like the redneck guys I grew up with...and another good reason not to cheat on my wife! :-)


alan said...

I hope to be around for your 50th anniversary with L'Ailee! I have no doubt that the two of you will make it; my only fear is that I will be dancing among the Northern Lights celebrating while looking down instead of being there!


Barbara said...

Lise and I had that monogamy/non-monogamy discussion early in our relationship. We too agreed that the deception of an extramarital dalliance would be the most destructive and basically the "deal breaker".

Quite frankly, I'm far too lazy to expend the effort it would take to maintain more than one relationship at a time. Besides, there's something pretty wonderful about being sexual with a person who knows you well and knows what pleases you.

Shucks, I have a hard enough time teaching my little dogs to poo in the litter box let alone "train" a new lover - regardless of gender. (grin)

Jaded said...

I absolutely believe in the sanctity of marriage, and the genders involved make no difference to me. If you've vowed to be committed to one person, that's what you should do. That's why I asked that question on my blog before...I'd been reading blogs of others who will have a husband AND a girlfriend, because they're bi, and that didn't make any sense to me. It also perpetuates the stereotype that homosexuals and bisexuals are promiscuous, and that's just crap.

I guess I just don't understand the concept of an "open" marriage. Seems rather like an oxymoron to me. Why bother getting married if you still want sex with other people? Maybe I'm just old, I don't know.

Clandestine said...

hey there,

i tagged you on my blog. don't feel obligated - i was just following instructions! :)