Saturday, May 07, 2011

Why Ryan Newman Snapped

"Sources tell that an altercation broke out between the drivers in the NASCAR hauler, the sanctioning body's at-track office where private meetings can be held.

One source told that Montoya said after the incident that "Newman hits like a girl."
--"Newman, Montoya Feud Hits New Heights," May 7, 2011

I'm weird about fights. I don't want to see nothing but fighting--wrestling, boxing, and MMA are boring to me--but I do like the occasional hockey fight. I *love* the extremely occasional NASCAR fight. It's like wasabi on a sushi tray. Plus, when drivers use their fists, they don't use their cars and risk taking other drivers out in the process.

It looked so much like Ryan Newman, the guy at Stewart-Haas Racing who isn't Tony Stewart, and Juan Pablo Montoya, the Colombian open-wheel veteran, would have one after they beat and banged at the Richmond race last week. There was some rather blatant retaliation by Montoya. Even the commentators were slavering over the prospect. And why not? We had two big (for NASCAR, anyway), evenly matched, emotional guys who would throw actual punches, not like the amusing but brief nerd fight between Jeff Gordon and Jeff Burton last year. Also, Montoya's hot. (That was my reason for wanting it, anyway. It's not just straight men who love to watch attractive people fight.)

Sadly, it would occur yesterday, before the Darlington race, away from the cameras. Ryan Newman, the more even-keeled of the two by miles, is rumored to have thrown a punch in the hauler where NASCAR officials have stern talks with drivers. (Some fans refer to it as "the principal's office.") This gave birth to a Twitter hashtag, #WhyNewmanSnapped. I loved it. My NHL fan tweeps are excellent about coming up with hashtag games, perhaps too much so, but the fun just doesn't come to the NASCAR neighborhood of Twitter all that often. I therefore enjoyed the hell out of it. Once again, I'm archiving my own entries, and several from others that I liked.

Many of these have to do with the drivers' sponsors (Tornados snacks and US Army for Newman, Target for Montoya) or the fact that both have recently had babies. Other quirks these drivers have should become obvious.


Montoya lied about Target-brand antacids being "just as good as Tums."

"Look! My baby's faster than yours, too!"

Montoya suggested that Ryan's next sponsor should be Extenze.

Ryan was sick of Montoya's lame-ass sound effects.

Ryan was tired of Tony Stewart being considered the tough guy at Stewart-Haas Racing.

Montoya had a good laugh at how badly Ryan + Krissie's NJ Devils did this year.


@ampedup19: Saw the bullseye

@AskThe_Man: Because he's tired of JPMs toy planes waking up his baby in the motor coach lot

@DaveCroce: Newman is just jealous that Montoya keeps sticking his neck out and he simply can't.

@DavidLStarr: Newman thinks Target's baby clothes are too expensive.

@Fieldof33: Montoya laughed when Newman said he had a real engineering degree... from Purdue.

@HitYourMarks: Having problems shooting down JPM's model airplanes.

@Jeff_Gluck: Was tired of letting Tony Stewart being the only Stewart-Haas driver to have punched someone at the track

@jjfan1993: he was pissed @jpmontoya interrupted his coverage of the Royal Wedding on the scanner

@ksrgatorfn: JPM kept blasting the Friday song outside Newman's motorcoach

@mearn: Saw the episode of Pawn Stars where they laughed at the idea of a Ryan Newman firesuit being valuable

@mearn: Montoya claimed Newman didn't know how to measure banking, old Bristol was definitely 36 degrees

@nscrwriter: Wanted to prove what the initials JPM really stand for: Just Punched Montoya

@queers4gears: because Montoya told Newman a Tornado was just a cheap American rip-off of hispanic food.

@queers4gears: JPM kept on demanding to see Ryan's birth certificate.

@queers4gears: Juan Pablo still thinks "winning" jokes are funny.

@queers4gears: Juan Pablo changed all the radio presets and adjusted the mirrors in Ryan's car.

@RaceMonkey: JPM asked Ryan if he had "a case of the mondays"

@RacingWithRich: JPM unfollowed Newman on twitter.

@Rich52370: overheard that JPM kept refering to Ryan as the creepy overweight mailman that lives downstairs

@SBPopOffValve: Thought JPM's Kentucky Derby hat was "unnecessarily showy and vulgar"

@SBPopOffValve: Auditioning for role of NHL enforcer since Matt Cooke is suspended

@SBPopOffValve: Prefers Wal-Mart to Target

@SBPopOffValve: Had "Hit on a Colombian" on his bucket list, but misinterpreted what it meant

@sbsimonds: JPM walked in and announced "My name is Juan Pablo Montoya, and you killed my father. Prepare to die"

@sbsimonds: Juan licked the last Tornado

@silverdsl: Juan referred to him as "No Neck Newman" one too many times.

@supahlissa: JPM muttered something dirty in Spanish...and didn't know Newman understood him.

@teaganvamp14: Ryan wants to be a trending topic on twitter.

@TLaut23: Newman was told that Tornadoes were no longer being sold at Target

@TomKopacz: JPM's ugly white-framed sunglasses

@wood_brothers21: Juan Pablo didn't deliver the good Columbian that Ryan was expecting.


Carie said...

I worry about you when you take long breaks in blogging, i know I haven't commented much, but I come here daily...and I miss you :)

On a side note I was sent this adorable video of a baby panda sneezing lol and I thought of you right off lol

Dr. Deb said...

"Wasabi on the sushi tray."
Love that expression