Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Rules of Attraction

"Oh, come on. If we only had sex with people we actually respected, most of us would even have to give up masturbating."--The Covert Comic, Ruminations

In addition to the other unpleasantness in our lives, my mom's company is restructuring. I am holding my breath along with her. I can't say more than that about her situation. Plus, it's Hell Week. Fun, fun. My fingernails are down to the quick now.

I'm going to talk about things that are more pleasant. My thoughts were provoked by the Sinead O'Connor nude painting logo (which I have taken down, as per my promise to L'Ailee that it was only temporary) and a discussion at Queers United about "bear"-type gay and bi men. Also, a lot of people I've encountered online lately, even allies, seem not to understand how bisexual attraction works. Apparently it is always supposed to be a 50/50 split between women and men, and you go for the exact same kind of things in both women and men except for a few square inches between the legs, or else you're not "really" bisexual. You're "really" something else. And of course, if your sexual scales tip one way or another, you *have* to go in that direction.

I don't know any bisexuals like that. I'm sure a few exist, but I haven't met any like that. I am almost the only person I know who can be considered 50/50, and even for me, that is more of an average over the course of the month. When I'm ovulating, I'm more tempted by men. In PMS, I am crazy for women and can't be pried off *my* woman with a crowbar. Right now, all I want in a person is the ability to bring me chocolate soy milk or Tofutti Cuties then stay the hell out of my way. A few bi women I know admit to similar patterns, but most whom I've talked to either haven't noticed anything like that or won't discuss it, so I can't extrapolate.

L'Ailee can really observe things. She said that from what she sees, I go for men who are a lot like myself except for those few square inches. She based this on Ex-Boy and on my fondness for Tony Stewart. Since I've only really loved two men, one of whom was actually a teenage boy when I dated him, she doesn't have much else to go on. Ex-Boy is stocky, with a body built by hard work, hard play, and an enjoyment of beer and good food, and dark hair. I tend to look at guys like that now, too. I look at guys who are more cute than handsome, and certainly not pretty. Ex-Boy is bi, and I don't know if his wife is as tolerant of this as I was, but he used to hang out in bear clubs a *lot.* He has lots of tattoos and piercings, but that's not essential for me. (I don't think you can be in your twenties or thirties, in 2008, and not be tolerant of tattoos and piercings--you really dry up your own well if you aren't.)

I'm femme, can't pass for masculine, but judging from what I've been told, more cute than beautiful. I have amber-colored hair, not dark, but most of the men in my family, aside from my very blond brother, are dark-haired. My size 16 body demonstrates a fondness for DIY and swimming (but nothing like Dara Torres'!) and dancing and good food and cocktails. But it's not just looks. I'm chatty, I can be goofy, I love to make people laugh. With Ex-Boy, we'd speak on top of each other, just torrents of words, and fall over each other laughing. L'Ailee notes that Tony Stewart is certainly talkative enough and can be really funny. Ex-Boy, like me, was a redneck born and raised in Florida. There were differences, but he understood about throwing grapefruit at kids instead of snowballs and "blue box" macaroni and cheese as a luxury. The cutest UPS guy who delivers to my work is from Alabama.

Now, I don't go for women who are like me at *all*. I do like dark hair--or, ahem, stubble--on women. And I'm okay with tattoos and piercings, or not, on women. (I have two small tattoos, and used to have a nose ring, but got tired of taking it out every winter due to sinus problems.) Apart from that, what I like in my own gender is worlds apart from what I like in men. I like redneck girls, but I love foreign accents. (Which is a good thing for me, being that L'Ailee is Russian and all.) I like small, slim, lightly muscled bodies. I like angular features. I love women who look like they can kick my ass, though of course I don't want them to actually do it. I am crazy for seriousness, toughness, practicality, and self-discipline in a woman--those are things I have very little of myself. I love a woman who doesn't know she desperately needs someone to find her ticklish spot or do the Pearls Before Swine crocodiles' "Hullo, zeeba neighba!" bit when she puts on a zebra-print skirt. I do not know if Sinead O'Connor or Gretchen Wilson, the most famous women I find hot, actually need that, but both kind of strike me as such.

I'm not sure why I'm like that. I think it's just because I need a balance of similarity and difference no matter what gender my partner is. Some people don't understand how Ellen deGeneres and Portia de Rossi can have a partnership across a 15-year age difference, but my theory is that the age difference keeps them from being too similar. I remember early in our relationship, L'Ailee and I talked about not wanting to become "ten-year clones," those women who end up dressing and talking alike after a while. Gods help us, after 16 years, we're not clones yet. I laugh when 'phobes talk about same-sex couples having similar bodies and temperaments. Obviously those people have no clue what the real thing looks like. But we knew that already, didn't we?

Links, links:

Speaking of Tony Stewart, wow, how about those fines and penalties passed down to Joe Gibbs Racing for the magnets in their Nationwide cars?!?! You'd have thought they'd crippled a crew member or something! The magnets didn't affect the race. I am not sure how this works, but the idea was to make the Toyotas register as having less horsepower than they did in post-race inspection. (Other drivers had been bitching and complaining about Toyota's advantages all season, never mind that nobody said anything before Gibbs drivers came along.) Looks like the gettin' out's good for Tony!

It is because of NASCAR's stupid new rules for cars--the ones that make the cars so alike that the "SC", or "Stock Car," bit has become a sad joke--that I have gotten everyone who watches at my house to revisit Kurt Vonnegut's classic short story Harrison Bergeron. I am tempted to send Brian France (CEO) and Robin Pemberton (competition director) hard copies with a note reminding them that Vonnegut did *not* think this was a good idea.

Target is opening cute little Bullseye Bodegas in Manhattan this September, mostly to showcase their designer lines. I'll take it.

OhmyGods, how about this for a hippie redneck product?!?! The Organic Batter Blaster. Organic pancake/waffle a spray can. This is such a beautiful thing. You can top it with organic flavored syrup and organic "cool whip". I'm expecting my organic Cheez Whiz any day now.

Mandatory calorie counts and the line between informing and nagging.

Other people love how Michael Phelps looks in his swim pants. I love how he's pissing off Nutrition Nannies. First the 12,000-calorie a day diet upset them no end, now they're mad because instead of Wheaties, he's endorsing Frosted Flakes! Apparently what matters is that you burn off more calories than you put in--who'd have thought that? Well, maybe my wife, who works out as an occupation 40-plus hours a week and whose weight hovers around 95 pounds even when she feels like eating a pastrami sub and half an icebox cake...

Finally, I totally need Vincent Price's cookbook for my next Thriller-diller night.


Barbara(aka Layla) said...

This was interesting...a little bit over everything here in this post from relationships to NASCAR to food!

I don't think I have a physical type in a man these days. I am very partial to long hair on guys but its so rare, I'm happy to meet one that's not bald. I like guys that are taller than me, but its the personality that makes me find them attractive.

I had a Bi boyfriend for awhile and he certainly did not have the same taste in types of men/women. I think whoever came up with that theory is generalizing a bit too much. People are hard to put in a box!

Sounds like you and L'Ailee like good yet healthy food. When you wrote about the pancake batter I SWORE I read it as "Orgasmic" not "Organic" and thought to myself "I've gotta try that!" But then I re-read it, shucks.

alan said...

I remember when Darrel Waltrip said they needed to throw away the restrictor plates and move back the walls...let the ones that could run, run instead of packing 44 of them into an accident waiting to one listened then, either!

I knew Vincent Price was an avid art collector; I had no idea about the cookbook, lol!

Back when Arnold was "Mr. Olympia" I've read that he sprinkled his creatine over Frosted Flakes...


Okiemunchkinsmom said...

Very informative post, so says a straight woman in Oklahoma. I can't say I understand much at all about classifying people by who they are attracted to, but I would think it would be hard to argue with a person's own classification of themselves. Or at least pointless anyway.

Personally, I can't resist a man with a burp rag over his shoulder and a vacuum in his hand. Looks be damned.

Hey, does an Okie accent with a bit of PA Dutch count as foreign?

The Watcher said...

I'm trying to picture the kind of woman you like...somewhat masculine, would you say? Gretchen Wilson isn't at all unattractive, but I'm afraid she could tear me limb from limb if I crossed her.

BostonPobble said...

Just another post that makes me long for the day you and I can actually be in the same room and talk about...EVERYTHING!

The batter blaster thing would've been ideal for me back when I was cooking for one all the time. Although I admit, the unexpected jingle scared the beejeezus out of me.

Jennifer said...

hi, you are nice. I like you very much.

Ange (formerly Writer Mom) said...

Hard to follow Jennifer.


Sometime when I'm in your area, we're going for coffee. I will defend my crush on Eric Bana, though I'm certain he'd be absolutely wrong for me in real life.
I like accents and dark beards, apparently. My Viggo LOTR crush was excruciating.
In real life, however, a beard would make my chin raw, so.

Always love following your thoughts around for a bit.