Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Rich Witches!

Did you have a good Labor Day weekend? I know I did! I'm still feeling sarcastic, though, even though August is finally over. That's what happens to me when same-gender couples get marriage rights pulled out from under them after having them only 4 hours, as happened in Iowa last week, and Jimmie Johnson wins a race. It must happen to Kevin Harvick, too, as his amusingly bitter responses to reporters about his Chase for the Championship chances show. My beautiful and brilliant L'Ailee, who loves Harvick, thoroughly enjoyed it; my mother and some of our friends found him downright rude. I laughed.

I'm worried about Tony Stewart and the other Gibbs drivers next year. It looks like they're going to be driving Toyotas. Did you see Michael Waltrip's Toyota blow up on him? I know you non-NASCAR fans did, if you watched SportsCenter. I don't think you need a lot of technical knowledge to understand that a car's hood is not supposed to look like a bag of popcorn in the microwave. Waltrip's season has been so bad, he jokes about it in his newest ad campaign for NAPA Auto Parts, where he answers "fan mail." ("I don't know how good a racer your half-blind grandmother is, but I'll take that as a compliment.") Stewart's got a pretty good sense of humor himself, but I don't want it tested that way. Then again, the Gibbs team does have more resources--money, brilliant engineers, three awesome drivers--than this year's Toyota teams, so I guess I'll just trust.

I was really disappointed that the season finale of the 4400 had been delayed for the US Open, which many people in NYC are talking about and which L'Ailee is watching parts of, but I should be glad. Yes, the USA Network left us on the hook for a week. But at least I didn't have to choose between the race and that finale! What an awful choice that would have been!

Aaaand...did everyone notice Melissa Etheridge was singing the national anthem before the race? Loved...it! Finally, support for "diversity" includes LGBTs!

Moving on...

All of us who practice magick in any way owe Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett a huge debt. With a great deal of fanfare and glee, he allowed himself to become the answer to a particularly pesky question that us Witches/Wiccans/Pagans/occultists get way too often when we come out:

"If your magick's so good, how come you never hear about Witches winning the lottery?"

The thing is, it’s not only about what we want—it’s what our Gods want for us, too. Besides, probably magick practitioners *have* won before, even if their practice is doing "things we don't tell the pastor about," as my paternal relatives (officially Southern Baptist) call their fairly sophisticated magickal system. I'm sure they wouldn't come out because there are some bigots in this world, mental descendants of the Inquisitors and Puritans, who would make their lives miserable, not to mention spell-beggars. Not all of us wear a pentacle around our neck.

Besides, why be greedy? I've always gotten by. Even when I was stirring a small can of store-brand sliced mushrooms into my ramen noodles and deciding which bills I would be able to pay on time this month, I know at least half the rest of the world would have envied me. We don't all have the same gifts, either. For example, because money management doesn't come easily to me, I don't do money spells. I'll sometimes swap a love spell, because love is something that comes more easily to me, with someone who can easily attract money but has problems with love. Then we get asked to do some light interior decorating or a little something extra at our jobs, or we find a twenty on the street, and our friend is going out on an actual date for the first time in years. Life is good, even if our Powerball tickets only get us $5 or $75 (if that!)

But the rabid, hostile Christianist or atheist asking that Lotto question will think that's all a bunch of puffed air. (Jews and Muslims generally don’t ask me that question, and neither do Christians or atheists who wear their beliefs more lightly.) You're not a real-life Harry or Harriet Potter, just a mildly eccentric working person who does okay, and how boring is that? Of course, if your magick *did* work like the kind in TV shows, books, and movies, you'd scare the living crap out of them and have the Christianist pouring a gallon of holy Wesson oil on you besides. In their minds, the fact that your magick "doesn't even work" just totally proves their point, which is, you need to grow up and stop that magickal nonsense. (You are a rebellious child who needs their discipline, not an equal, if you don’t think like them.) You spend a few seconds wishing you really could turn your interlocutor into a frog and toying with the idea of a spell to at least make them *sound* froggy until you remember that you don't believe in cursing for trivial matters.

So now we may point to Bunky Bartlett in Maryland, who bought a Mega Millions ticket that entitles him to one-fourth of a $330 million jackpot at a liquor store on the way to teach a Wicca class. Yes, he's self-promoting and not the most telegenic Witch ever to step in front of a camera, but good on him anyway. I bet if he still teaches Wicca, he's going to get an awesome turnout, and I'll buy his book of money draw spells if he writes one. (Of course, I also figure Silver Ravenwolf's money spells have to work, too, considering that the main focus of her magick seems to be enriching her.) Thank you, Bunky!

Speaking of rich, Leona Helmsley's little Maltese dog Trouble is apparently as mean as she was. Of course, I'm sure the fact that the ugly powder puff inherited $12 million is making people remember their bites and other injuries. But I can believe that a spoiled little dog injured people. I got a chunk taken out of my ankle by my grandma's poodle when I was five--and come to think of it, my grandma's a spiteful old lady herself, only without any money. I don't trust small dogs that can sneakily bite your ankles. The only dogs I can tolerate are puppies, because I like baby anythings, and dogs that are big enough that I can see their teeth when I stand up.

And more on bites...there was a shark at Rockaway Beach, in Queens, this weekend. It was hilarious. By Florida standards, five feet long is a pool toy. One could fearlessly punch that thing in the nose, the way the "survivalists" on the Discovery Channel tell us we should. I only wish I had been there to laugh at the hysteria. But some brave people managed to get it back into the water before it washed up again, this time as a corpse. Then at Coney Island, another bitty shark came up and had to be rescued from swimmers! If I think about it, I can understand. Sharks of any kind aren't supposed to be coming up this far north. I hope it's only a matter of tiny sharklets washing ashore every 20 years or so, as some are saying. Climate change scares me more than any shark, even the big ones. Which is why I watch NASCAR. *sigh* To quote my wife, “I don’t have to be *consistent*.”

I know there's real news going on, but it's still depressing as hell. I think I'll enjoy the silliness a few days longer, until summer winds down for good and the world forces me to get serious again.


Speaking of microwave popcorn, the stuff in the flavoring that makes it smell out loud can also make people sick in large doses. California's considering banning it.

Doesn't this make you feel spiritual all over? A $270 hot pink designer Bible fit for Paris Hilton!

Man alive, am I glad I don't go to school in Orlando, or have kids going there. Some of my friends do, however, which is why it concerned me that an area school kept kids until 9 pm on account of a storm!

Bill Maher is making a documentary called "Religulous"

Italy's having trouble over the Islamic veil.

Zero tolerance alcohol policies for kids are so stupid.

Lastly, beautiful Mei Lan, the Atlanta zoo's baby panda princess, turns one this week! Now, I know they're all cute, but this one's such a charmer. Not only has she got a "Scarlett O'Panda" personality, but it's not often you get to say, "What a gorgeous baby! She's got her mama's round face and her daddy's big ears..." :-)


cats said...

i love your answer for why don't more witches win the lotto! same reason us christians don't.

personally i hate the lotto (all that time living in atlantic city really made me hate gambling of any kind). i once told a guy at the store in line in front of me that he should take the money to church instead. of course he still bought the scratch off ticket and lost.

Jaded said...

I also love your answer about why witches don't often win the lottery. If God (or Gods) want you to win, you will. Period.

I don't play the lottery. I just figure if I'm meant to have money, I'll win the Publisher's Clearing House, and I enter that for free!

alan said...

Always glad to find wisdom from you here...


belledame222 said...

So now we may point to Bunky Bartlett in Maryland, who bought a Mega Millions ticket that entitles him to one-fourth of a $330 million jackpot at a liquor store on the way to teach a Wicca class.

wasn't that an awesome story? mebbe he'll open a school! wouldn't the Bob Joneseseseses of this world crap themselves? heh heh heh

dondon009 said...

ebfljRich bitches and witches.... let's start with Leona.

It's my understanding that Leona left the majority of her vast fortune to her charitable foundation (not much news about that), and in leaving those millions to her dog, is indirectly leaving that money to her brother, as it should be.

Things like that make great headlines... but that dog is probably the only thing alive that loved her unconditionally and unrealistic as it may seem, it should be a persons right to do with their posessions as they please.

The rich witch... I say "gimme some of that magic"! It was his time to win... and he did. One of my co-case managers is a witch who also claims to be a psychic and healer. She is one of the most dysfunctional persons I've ever met. Her entire life is one big fuck up.... abusive boyfriends, crazy kids, etc. I keep telling her to heal herself first before she tries to save the rest of the world.

Pandaholic is what you've turned me into. Now, every time I see a picture of a panda, (including the four week old cutie I saw today), I do the "awwwwww how cute" thing and think of you! They certainly are photogenic and addictive.

Marriage rights are making me crazy. When I was a child, my parents moved to the USA to "give their children a better education, a better life. They eventually retired and moved back to Canada.

Now all of their gay neighbors are getting legally married and I'm stuck here in this christianist country with the chimpanator as emperor...... SHIT!

Rice and Bean [s].... is that gonna be the new gossip menu item in the coming weeks?

Have a great weekend~